I’ve written a lot before about dating and my general lack of the ability to do so “properly”, and sometimes general disinterest in doing so all-together. Love and romance and partnership were all things I longed for at a much younger age, but after my last long term relationship, I re-prioritized what was truly important in order for me to feel successful and happy. Having a job which afforded me mental, physical, and spiritual freedom became priority #1. It has been pretty cool living a life where I could basically be anywhere or do anything in a moment’s notice (fundage permitting), since I’m not beholden to anyone. I just need a primary source of income so I can pay my rent on time to ensure my roommates and I keep a roof over our heads, feed and clothe myself on a regular basis, check in with my brother and sister from time to time, and you know…that’s…basically it.
Having the ability over the past year to travel around the US as I pleased was pretty awesome. It taught me a lot about being resourceful and aware: Sometimes I would buy a one-way ticket to one state and another leaving a completely different state, and trust myself to figure it all out once I got to my initial desintation. As someone who’s been referred to as a control freak more than a handful of times, that’s a serious exercise in letting the chips fall where they may and trusting that you’re going to be fine.
I often attribute my 20’s with giving me the resources to know that, regardless of what comes my way, I can hack it, though perhaps I’ve been in survivalist mode since my childhood. I’ve lived by an unofficial rule book of: Let people get close, but not too close. Get comfortable but not too comfortable. Let your guard down about 75% but no more than that just in case. Be prepared to make a quick exit.
It’s a weird way to live, but I broke a lot of my rules this year and I’m so glad of it. Spending a lot of time with myself in places far from home, visiting acquaintances who then became great friends, and living in so many moments where my objective was merely “Get to point B,” was such an eye-opening experience. I truly believed in myself, for the first time in a long time. I had to.
So how does this all fit into anything in that first paragraph? Great question, dear reader.
I certainly don’t ever want to be beholden to someone or responsible for that person’s happiness, nor would I want someone to feel that way about me. I suppose that what I would want is someone who simply elevates the experience I’ve already got going on, and for whom I could do the same. Someone with whom I could grow, encourage to reach for their dreams, and they could encourage the same from me. Be each other’s biggest cheerleader and champion, but know when we each needed to go it alone. Mutual respect, and acceptance. Maybe we wouldn’t always understand each other, but we’d certainly try to. Whenever I doubt that this is a possibility, my brain shouts: That seems simple enough! I see other people who have that with their partners! It’s a real thing!
It’s what I want from a career as well, perhaps even more than wanting that from another person. Being successful as I define it means feeling like I’m doing it where “it” is living, making memories, seeing and learning new things, becoming more self-aware, and being able to pay my bills (with a little extra) while also tucking money away in both a savings account and a retirement fund (ADULTING!). And, you know, being able to buy more comic books, go to shows, travel, hang with friends on the regular, maybe one day buy a pinball table, have a cat or dog, regularly volunteer and do community service, maybe get some plants (ALSO ADULTING!).
So many people I know work in their current place of employment as a means to an end, or are biding their time until something better comes along. I was that way for almost a decade myself! I needed money so I worked. I didn’t care what I did so long as I got paid. Health insurance was cool to have, too! That all shifted for me about 4 or 5 years ago when I started thinking about my future from a different perspective. I wanted to move past entry-level admin work. I’d started on a peculiar path (funeral homes, morgues), but abandoned that (again, needed a job asap because money!) and believed that too much time had passed to pick that path back up once I was in a position to potentially do so. Once I moved to Chicago, the goal was simply to get a job because debt was piling up. I kept jumping from job to job until I found one that truly felt like The One. But sometimes, even the most star-crossed and seemingly perfect situations don’t work out for one reason or another.
As I find myself back in the job market, my approach is not simply applying to every and any job that seems to match skills I currently have or wish to enhance. What I’ve always wanted, perhaps even more than someone to love me simply for who I am, is for a job where I am valued and made to feel necessary. A job in which I can grow, and where my career goals and ideas are heard and considered. What I’m looking for is something I can put so much of myself and my heart into, and feel like I’m making a difference. What I want is for it to do the same, both for its clients and its employees. All the while my brain shouts again: That seems simple enough! I see other people who have that with their careers! It’s a real thing!
I have a lot of hope that it is.
With regards to dating, I need to come to terms with the fact that I’ll never feel like I know all the rules and “correct” ways to do it because there is no correct way. There are no rules. We, as a society, have created this bizarre social construct around how dating is supposed to work which psychs out people like me who don’t fall simply into those parameters. I rarely find people I’m so into that I want to hang out with them, and when I do, I don’t even know what to do with myself. A lot of us are like that! I spend a fair amount of time avoiding people I like due to unshakable anxiety and generally feeling like I’m bothering them or somehow disrupting their lives. My general rule is “If you like someone, never tell them. Ever. Or make sure you get super drunk and then tell them at an inopportune time!” I don’t like being stressed out about how other people feel about me and typically do not find myself as such. I’m cool with not dating if it means that I don’t have mammoth-sized knots in my stomach or feel like I’m about to projectile vom for days because I like someone and they might not like me back. It’s so much easier to hang out with cats and dogs. They are uninhibited in their feelings and not tied up in social graces! You know right away if they don’t like you!
In my never-ending quest to become a better version of me, I am hoping to channel my career-specific dedication and self-motivation into the rest of the things I do (not just dating). I consider myself a decent person who is incredibly awkward but can still read a room BUT still often feels out of place UNLESS there is something to specifically focus on (task to be completed, kitty to pet, etc). I can (and will) work harder to put more of myself out there in situations where I’m more likely to retreat inward. I’ve garnered a decent set of tools over the past year’s self-reflection to do so, and just need to bippity-boppity-boo all of this into action.
That seems simple enough. It’s a real thing.
...I Just Want Your Half. 