Goals of Distance versus Goals of Perception

I got picked on and bullied a lot when I was growing up. It was strange: we moved to Pennsylvania when I was five, and then I started first grade and things seemed ok. Second grade was the first year I remember being teased by my peers. I can’t pin-point exactly when my trajectory as a nerd started, but it was solidified by 6th grade for sure. The worst part was, my biggest bully wasn’t even at school. He wasn’t even a kid. He was my dad.

My dad always had (and likely still does I would assume, as I don’t associate with him anymore) a horrible, evil, awful temper. Aside from the physical manifestations of his rage, I can’t recall exactly when he started telling me I was fat, stupid, and lazy; the ugly one, the one who wouldn’t amount to anything, useless, a peabrain…I could go on. Unfortunately my mother didn’t really help the situation much by a) doing nothing to stop him and b) also telling me that maybe if I tried a little bit harder at the sports I’d been playing, I might get to looking like the other girls.

For years, both of their voices bounced around my head, telling me I’d never reach my goals, I’d never be happy, no one would ever love me, and that I’m not good enough, etc, etc. Whenever I would take to working out, I would give up because I could just hear them telling me that I’ll always be fat so I might as well just stop. I never should have let their voices in my head to begin with, but all of the damage they did went much deeper than I’m willing to admit in an early morning blog post. That “sense of entitlement” thing society assumes everyone in my age bracket has because our parents raised us to think we’re all special and unique? This eludes me completely.

It wasn’t until my 30’s, which I haven’t even been in for very long, mind you, that I realized I could tune into a different thought station. That station was me, and that station was uplifting. At some point during my time thus far in Chicago, I’d developed a very “This needs to happen and you can either contribute or gtfo” attitude. It’s gotten me far on a lot of artistic endeavors. That voice changed within the past year to “You are doing this and you are awesome! Keep going and work harder each time! Become a better version of you, who is already awesome!” This has lead me to reach so many milestones, and for this voice I am eternally grateful. It’s mine. I am finally grateful for me (which sounds super self-absorbed, I’m sure, but it’s about damn time I actually love me after spending so many decades hating myself, amiright folks?)

My main goal when working out was previously “To Lose Weight Because Yiiiikes” but this time, it is “To Go Farther, Safely, and Awesomely.” At the rate I’m going, the 7k in March is going to be a walk in the park. A half-marathon isn’t out of the question. Steadily, I am getting there and I am reaching these goals. Yes, as it happens, I am losing weight. That’s not my focus, and I refuse to weigh myself because I don’t want to spend any more time being obsessed with a number which has haunted me since I was a child. That isn’t what this is about anymore, and that is what makes it so easy to wake up in the morning and head straight to the gym.

I definitely understand that, for some people, working out is about maintaining that number. From my experience, that has only caused me to give up. Seeing how my body is changing (guys my arm muscles are…there! My legs are starting to look different! My stomach is getting flatter and my pants are getting roomier!) is really nice, but knowing that it’s changing because of the jogging and strength training that I’m doing because I want to run races and I want to be better and feel better, and not because I don’t think I’m good enough so I’m starving myself or exhausting myself to meet someone’s perceived, hurtful, bizarre standards…that’s the most healthy thing I’m doing for myself. Mental clarity is a really nice side effect of all of the training.