The Liz Lemon Conundrum

“I just wish I could start a relationship about twelve years in, when you really don’t have to try anymore, and you can just sit around together and goof on TV shows, and then go to bed without anybody trying any funny business.”

GPOY

I am Liz Lemon.  I don’t mean that in a figurative sense, being that I’m a brown haired girl with glasses who likes cheese*, is pursuing a career in comedy & doesn’t have the best luck in love.  I am literally a younger, less successful Liz Lemon.  A few weeks ago, I was changing my sheets and I found a half eaten tortilla (hello fellas!).  Not half of a chip…half of a a whole grain wrap that I may have fallen asleep while eating.  I throw myself into my theatrical and comedy work, which I love even though it drives me to the best kind of crazy….and I tend to throw work in front of my personal life because somewhere along the way I realized that there’s a sense of fulfillment I get out of a successful run of a show or production that is just more satisfactory to me than any romantic relationship I’ve ever had with another human being of the male persuasion.  I also have conversations with food, not unlike LL…but everyone does that, right?

I find that a lot of my female friends are Liz’s too.  We all work so hard for what we want because we want it so badly and we know it can be ours.  When it comes to finding love we make a shitton of excuses, then run back to our respective Dennis Duffy’s because we blocked out just how awful he was, until our friends and colleagues remind us that we deserve better.  And we do!  But it is really difficult for us to accept that.

Why, though?  I know what real love looks like (or what it’s supposed to anyhow).  I’ve seen it in other people’s relationships and it definitely seems achievable, but damn if it isn’t a lot of work.  I want so badly to fast-forward through the 3-6 months of “new relationship” and get right to the comfortable parts where farting around each other, or having deep conversations before bed about the Ewok Adventure and Ewoks: The Battle for Endor, become a common thing.  I hate the intricate dance of “Women don’t poop” and shaving your legs and whatnot because sex might happen that persists until you both finally agree it is time to just be two people who are content, full of shit, and hairy.

I thought I had it, for a while, I think.  I was so sure that I was there!  It was great but something happened and we dropped the delicate crystal bubble of happiness that is shot-gunning shows on Netflix, and now I’m staring at a cat who has touched my boobs more in one weekend than anyone else has in a year.  But since I haven’t really been trying, I’ve done this to myself.

My comedy/performer friends ask me what my next project is and my non-comedy/performer friends ask me when I sleep.  I feel like I’m constantly moving forward and growing as a performer and writer which tells me I’m moving in the right direction.  I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and dating is just making me sad because even though I’ve met some nice guys, I have come to the conclusion that they’re not really for me.  And I’m pretty selfish with my time right now.  There are things about your life that you have to sacrifice when beginning a new relationship, even if they’re smaller things (like taking on new projects, or farting comfortably in a public space…guys I know I mentioned farting like 12 times at this point.  Apparently it’s a deal breaker if you’re not cool with me farting like an old Great Dane.  This post is full of self-realizations!).  Scheduling time for dating and relationship things in the beginning of a relationship is my least favorite part, and definitely one of the main reasons why I struggle to even want to date in the first place.  There is so much I want to do in my lifetime, and you never know how long you have so you have to do it all NOW…and then do a few more things while you’re doing that, too.  Now throw more commitments into the mix and you’ve got yourself a Lemon!

But I also don’t want it all like Liz did.  I don’t want children (yet?) because I have plans that don’t involve having children.  I’d be cool with a cat, but a dog is even too time consuming based on my schedule (cats poop indoors, dogs need to go for walks and stuff).  I just want to keep writing and performing and acting and producing play and show after play and show.  I am being too selfish with my life to let someone in on that.  Based on this information, it makes the most sense that I might try to date someone who already knows my schedule or is equally as busy, so they’re already aware that I’m a lil’ Liz.  This still doesn’t make dating appealing to me, because I’m not even sure what I want in a guy anymore aside from the basics: Be funny, be kind, don’t make fun of the way I say ‘mountain,’ and really care about me.

It shouldn’t be an impediment that I am trying to move forward in my creative endeavors and relationship status at the same time.  I would expect the same level of support of my work as I give to anyone I’m in a relationship with, though this hasn’t been the case in the past at all.  When I do look back at everything I said and did for my last serious boyfriend, and the actual support (or lack thereof) I received in return, I’m angry that I never said anything.  I was his biggest cheerleader but none of that even mattered to him.  He fed into my self-doubt and insecurities.  I never want that to happen again (hence the cold exterior and lack of interest in dating as of the past year or so) but I can’t continue down the path of becoming this:

I am so heartily conflicted about how much time I actually want to put into dating or trying anyhow, but I know I should keep putting myself out there, even if it is just occasionally.  I want to have fun doing this.  A very wise improviser told me something which will stay with me forever, and which I apply to more than just improv and comedy: “If you’re not having fun, you’re the asshole.”  I’m being the biggest asshole right now.  I’m being RA Liz (remember that episode where Liz was popular for like a hot minute and tried to get people to call her LIZard but then everyone reminded her that she can’t be cool because she’s RA Liz?  There we go.  5th season!).

I don’t want to be alone forever, but I also need to cool my jets when it comes to taking on more projects and be a bit more concise with those choices.  I know I can balance my schedule and make this happen.  Maybe.  Liz did.

*Liked, I guess, is more like it, since going veganish.

Tinder: Possibly the Most Uncomfortable of Dating Apps?

Friday night, the theatre company I’m part of had a nice beery get together at my apartment that ended with about 2/3 of us signing up for Tinder accounts. Two of us got a match with the same dude in a matter of seconds. Gooooo Tinder! I get that basically Tinder is meant for hook ups or whatever, but that’s not exactly how I roll so I feel like I’m going to be a pretty severe source of disappointment for any dudes who want a piece of this here in Chicago based on the one chat conversation I’ve had thus far…

HIM: Any plans this AM?
ME: Coffee, jog, Wayne’s World inspired field trip. You?
HIM: Ha nice.
HIM: No plans for me either. Want to get together and make out?
ME: I just said I had plans, but thanks!
HIM: Oh I thought you were kidding.
ME: Nope!

Why did I join Tinder? Hint: I’d been drinking

I’m sorry, why would I kid about that? It’s the best day ever (EDIT: I didn’t end up jogging or going on my Wayne’s World-inspired trip, but that’s besides the point). Plus I am cat sitting so I’m chilling with this kickass cat, Tiny.  Why on earth would I want to leave Tiny?  Sheesh.

When asked if I wanted to meet later for a hook up, I responded that actually wasn’t really my thing but we could meet for a drink or something.  He never responded after that.

I don’t think Tinder is going to have a long life on my phone based on my own personal approach to dating (ie: more old fashioned and less immediately sexual?) and the fact that I’m not going to make out with someone who would assume I was joking about something as amazing as going on a Wayne’s World-inspired adventure.  My general approach to Tinder is that I’d like to grab a drink with someone cute who thinks I’m cute and see if anything comes of it.  If not, at least we attempted to have that “do we actually get along?” connection…but that’s not exactly how it works I guess. This of course means that, according to this article, I’m definitely not cut out for Tinder. I’m not at all surprised by this, but it was a fun little experiment to break up the general uneasiness I’ve been feeling about dating these past few days.

If, however, you really want a little quick and dirty asap, I’d highly recommend Tinder (or Grindr, of course, depending on your preferences).

Date #2: In the Immortal Words of Dr. Sam Beckett, “Oooh Boy….”

First of all I just want to say you’re all amazing. I’ve gotten the most awesomely sweet, encouraging & supportive comments, emails & fb messages in the past few weeks about this challenge from people who are in similar situations, and even those who aren’t but are just awesome people in general. You guys rock and I can’t thank you enough for reading. I wish I could make you all dinner and then we could play board games and get into existential discussions about the meaning of life and if brownies taste the same to me as they do to you. THEY DON’T. Likely. Because our tastes are all differentish. I hate cilantro. It tastes like soap. Perhaps you learned about that in science class? We did.

All of this to say…I think you guys are super swell and here comes date #2!

Prior to heading out for date #2, I stopped by my friend Gail’s place. She helped me kill some time since my date was in the neighborhood in which I work but do not live, so I had about three hours to run out until Go-Time. We chatted about cats and crocheting, and had a fun time as usual. Before I left, though, we each individually shuffled a deck of tarot cards while thinking of a question, and picked one.

For me, arcana is one of those “fun to think about but also omfg this is eerily accurate…am I reading too much into it????” things. The question I asked? I don’t know if I’m allowed to say it out loud (or type it, in this instance), if it’s like when you make a wish when blowing out your birthday candles, but I’m going to anyhow. I asked if this whole Dating Challenge will lead to something grand.

The card I chose was the Hanged Man.

OF COURSE. Ya Jerk.

“The Hanged Man is one of the most mysterious cards in the tarot deck. It is simple, but complex. It attracts, but also disturbs. It contradicts itself in countless ways. The Hanged Man is unsettling because it symbolizes the action of paradox in our lives. A paradox is something that appears contradictory, and yet is true. The Hanged Man presents to us certain truths, but they are hidden in their opposites.

The main lesson of the Hanged Man is that we “control” by letting go – we “win” by surrendering. The figure on Card 12 has made the ultimate surrender – to die on the cross of his own travails – yet he shines with the glory of divine understanding. He has sacrificed himself, but he emerges the victor. The Hanged Man also tells us that we can “move forward” by standing still. By suspending time, we can have all the time in the world.

In readings, the Hanged Man reminds us that the best approach to a problem is not always the most obvious. When we most want to force our will on someone, that is when we should release. When we most want to have our own way, that is when we should sacrifice. When we most want to act, that is when we should wait. The irony is that by making these contradictory moves, we find what we are looking for.”

Freakishly accurate in describing me and my general methods, or am I reading too much into it? I don’t even know anymore (aka YES).

I left and headed off to meet RAD. He was early, which was nice! These punctual fellas are really just making my week. I love when people are early or on time, because I try to be early. We hugged awkwardly and headed off to dinner.

One of the things which struck me was that he reminded me a lot of a number of people I know, like an amalgam of a bunch of dude friends, and former boyfriends. He’s a nice enough guy. The conversation was pretty steady. He gave me a CD with some music and comedy stuff on it that he thought I might like (we’d been sending each other links to cool stuff via our messages). Dinner was delicious, and we stopped by a bar afterwards to grab one last beer. And then he walked me to the corner and my bus was there so we both ran across the street, hugged awkwardly again, and parted ways. There was a bit of a “kiss? meh?” hesitation, but the bus was right there! I had to go. He texted me to let me know he had a nice time and we should do it again hopefully. He’s sweet and a super nice guy, but I’m not so sure we should date.

I’m more than a little bummed, to be quite honest, because he didn’t do anything wrong at all. It’s weird how this week worked out, you know? I actually almost cancelled the date with Cinderella Story, and then he turned out to be amazing. Then RAD, the guy with whom I had some pretty aces messages for like a week, well there was no real spark. I feel really badly about that, too, even though I mean, you can’t force that connection. I don’t know what to do, at this point, because I don’t want to be like “No let’s never go out again.” I did have a nice time, and he was super sweet and impressed by how much taller I was than he thought I would be. But that “I want to grab your face and smooch it all over” quality just…well…it was kinda there. He’s cute as a button. I just don’t feel like this is a guy I could use the word “fuck” around very frequently which is a weird priority, I know. RAD is definitely a reliable, responsible, sweet and awesome guy. I’m just not sure we’re the right mix for each other and I feel terrible about it. It wasn’t a bad date…it just wasn’t…there.

I feel so horrible, but I know there’s someone else out there for him. He’s a great guy! I’d set him up with a bunch of my friends…if they were single…on the spot. But if it’s not there, it’s not there, you know? I just wish I could shake this sad feeling before I went to bed (NOTE: Again, typed right after date, posted during daylight hours).

UPDATE: It’s the next morning, and I’ve had some more time to ruminate on both dates. Sure, CS is awesome. And RAD didn’t work out the way I’d hoped. The more I think about it, though, the more I find myself wondering if I should really be doing this. Dating, I mean. It’s not that I don’t want to…it’s just that…ok I sort of don’t want to. I’ve spend the past like, year and a half just throwing myself into projects I love and care about rather than trying to find Mr. Right or whatever. I’ve had a handful of crushes that I never acted on, and now is this whole online dating thing just another barrier I’m throwing into the mix? I’m happy. I’m doing what I love, and today I woke up feeling really uncomfortable and wondering if these past two dates, while nice, were kind of for nothing because I’m just going to hike off into the snowy sunset like the anti-relationship yeti that I am. It was nice being swept off my feet momentarily on Wednesday, but I forgot how temporary that type of stuff phases me. Maybe I’m really selfish, but I just want to keep doing everything I’m already doing, and while sharing that with another person seems appealing, it’s kind of tough for me to figure out how to do that with someone who doesn’t really know me. “The Hanged Man also tells us that we can “move forward” by standing still. By suspending time, we can have all the time in the world.”

Everything I just typed, I know the feeling is probably (maybe? Possibly?) temporary, but it’s how I currently feel and I think it’s important to share all of this process with you. Only time will tell, and we’re only at the end of week two.

The need for a cat or dog is getting stronger.

Date #1: You Never Know Til You Get There

Hello my friends. I just got home from the date I was not really sure how to feel about. Like, ok about an hour ago. (NOTE: I have scheduled this to post when people are awake, however) I had to call my friend Becca and tell her all of the things, everything, ever, about this date, and then I needed to test part of my Halloween costume’s make up (I did one eye of the make up and it looked awesome. I hope it works out. I think this’ll be a good Halloween year, but I need to get my actual outfit this week! BUT ENOUGH ABOUT HALLOWEEN! No there’s never enough about Halloween! I CANNOT WAIT! I’m not going to tell you what I’m going to be, yet. OMG. OK, BACK TO THIS THING!).

I had my first date tonight! Not my first date ever, but my first date with an online dating dude for this challenge. Oh man. I came home from work and got changed, then kept getting changed because for some reason, your clothes cease to fit when you have a fucking date to go on,. Finally just decided to wear what I wore to work (which actually happened to be a super cute and flattering dress with boots and a cardigan and sassy red belt so go me!). I walked to our date location: a super kitchy diner-type place I love and usually go on shitty dates, actually…Fun Fact: the last time I was there I got dumped. Lately I’ve taken a very strong stance to ensure that dudes don’t ruin food places I really like for me anymore, though, which is why I keep going back. It just so happens most of my shittiest dates have happened there. Ugh. What. Tangents!

I walked in the door and they asked if I needed a table for one. Oh hells naw, I’m meeting a friend! Right as I went to look around for him, this super adorable guy walks through the door, and BOOM! THE DATE IS ON. There he is: I forgot to give him a nickname. Dammit. What’s it called when you expect one thing but the completely opposite happens? That’s his nickname. We’ll just call him Cinderella Story (he likes sports so it works!).

He was just…well…he’s really good looking. I don’t mean to sound shallow but…he looked differentish from his pictures…in that he was way more attractive. And he just had the most gorgeous smile. I kept wanting to place my hands on either side of his face whenever he spoke but since that’s probably a little creepy on the first date, I kept them clasped tightly in my lap. Next time, though…criminy. Immediately I went into self conscious mode and felt like I was probably below his expectations. Not that I wasn’t awesome, because I’m pretty dang awesome, but just because of social stigmas and “ideal beauty” and all of that shit that gets crammed down women’s (AND MEN’S! It happens to us all!) throats. I’m as happy with how I look as anyone is about how they look: I look alright, there are things that I would like to change but this is me and I ❤ me as I am at this moment because I'm pretty awesome. #MantrasBitches #CloudedJudgement #HashtagsDontBelongInBlogPosts

We talked about improv, stand up, and acting, since we both have backgrounds in those things. He talked about sports a lot, and it was actually really interesting. We joked with each other about things, and he was just so comfortably real. He told me I was attractive. *insert high-five here* I wasn't super weird about it! What even? Where has the world been hiding this man?

He is funny. He is smart. He is charming. He is sweet. He is quick and witty and listens to good music and has a great voice and soft lips (y'heard!) and there's a second date coming soon….really soon. With him. Because damn. DAYUM.

I own up to my mistakes. I can admit when I am wrong. I'll be the first one to tell you, too, and I'll hate that I was wrong, but I'll learn from it. On first impression, I really thought he'd be someone I would go on one shitty date with and possibly never speak to ever again, or just be like casual acquaintances with at some point maybe?

Man I am so glad I was wrong. As Bethany put it, “The lesson is more that people can surprise you, not that Jessica is always wrong.”

Touche’.

Date number 2, with RAD, is happening Thursday (aka a few hours after this post is going live). Will the complete opposite of tonight happens and RAD only looked good on paper but is “meh” in person? Will I end up smitten with two men? Will I even date anyone else after this week because I kinda just want to make out with Cinderella Story A BUNCH?

The intrigue is just too much!

I Am Not Very Observant

I used to believe that I was incredibly observant of my surroundings and that I would never be caught off guard by someone who might try to follow me home or attack me. I take my headphones out after dark and watch for shadows on the ground. I don’t walk down alley ways unless I absolutely have to (and then, I run) or I’m walking with other people. I always know where I can duck into or hide at a moment’s notice by scanning the periphery of my current position. But, apparently I do not notice when a dreamy fella is checking me out as I walk down the street in broad daylight.

Good thing my friend Bethany was around this weekend to point it out whenever it happened. And it actually happened quite a bit, to my surprise.

I’m going to stop for a second because maybe you’re thinking “Wow Jessica, you’re pretty arrogant.” Nah dawg. I try to blend, dress like a homeless runaway, and live in a world where I imagine most dudes don’t view me as a sassy vixen they’d like to dry hump after a shitty coffee date, but moreso as their kid sister. I didn’t have a legit boyfriend until after I graduated high school; didn’t start dressing like an actual girl until college; and didn’t have a real, long-term (ie: longer than 6 months) relationship until I was in my late 20’s. I was not chased after, and if I had a dollar for every time I was told “you’re like a sister to me,” I’d be a millionaire. Dudes bitch about being Friend Zoned, and as much as I fucking hate the connotation behind that…

…I was Friend Zoned before it was cool. *pushes up hipster glasses*

Bethany pointed out three separate instances of dudes checking me out as we meandered the streets of Chicago, and apparently one of the guys smiled at me and I just looked right through him. They all sounded like they were cute? I’m a big dummy.

Even when I see people I like (like Bus Crush, with whom you may be familiar if you follow me on twitter, but we’ll talk about him here soon, too), or random walking dudes, I never make eye contact. I’ve always been pretty shitty at the eye contact thing, though I have gotten a lot better at it over the past few years as it specifically pertains to making eye contact with friends and colleagues. Making eye contact with a cute stranger is not something I can do without my head getting twitchy and then attempting to form my mouth into a smile but it just comes out looking like a scary grimace.

Exhibit A

I’m dropping the ball simply doing things like walking to the grocery store or waiting for the train because I have no actual clue as to what positive things are going on around me. I’m far too busy being on the defensive. That’s that kind of stuff a lot of women are taught, though. Don’t be open and accepting. Don’t let anyone in your personal bubble. Kick the front of the knee back and then run the fuck away.

I’m probably the worst person to try to date…I used to tell dudes that as a joke, but I’m not so sure it’s a joke anymore.

Line Starts to the Left, Fellas!

This will be my last post for this week, as I’ve a guest coming in on Friday and I’ll be mostly afk* because I haven’t seen her in a few years and we have shenanigans to get all up in, amiright. You guys. Galentine’s Day came early this year. Or late, technically…hmm.

It’s been an eventful week on the ol’ dating website: So far, I’ve been rejected by a man because I don’t have a car (we’re in Chicago for crying out loud!), I’ve been sent the most confusing message I have EVER received on a dating site which compared me to I guess another woman he was messaging and was just a generally uncomfortable message, and I accidentally chatted someone who I thought sent me a chat first but then we both got confused and he ended up actually writing me a really nice, normal message a few nights later. We’ve been casually corresponding ever since. He seems pretty cool, like we could be friends or, if there’s a romantic spark, people who smooch a lot with each other, specifically. I’m concerned about this because I don’t want to build up what he may actually be like in my mind (ie: amazing) only to tear him down in my mind later, as one does. One being me. And like, not tear him down like “His shoes were too white! He had glasses in his picture but NOT GLASSES ON THE DATE!” but “he ended all of his sentences with prepositions!” or “He just legit said cats are awful and wasn’t joking about it!”

Based on the information on his profile, I will call him Reliable Army Dad (or RAD for short). I’m not going to go into extensive detail, but he’s a wee bit older and taller than me, listens to good music, has a solid job that he enjoys, likes NPR and completely understands that if he dates me, I’m stealing his favorite hooded sweatshirts. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. Aside from him also being a casual fan of They Might Be Giants. This could be great. This could also be horrible. Please someone slap my brain and tell that bitch to be cool.

In “I emailed some dudes and I’m a moron” follow-up news, guy who looks like John Corbett/Seth Rogen (He’ll be referred to as JCSR from hereon out even though I kinda just want to refer to him as the Bear but I also don’t want to waste such an awesome nickname on him…YET) did actually respond to my message, but I don’t even know how to respond to his email. Basically he just told me that no one ever really does ask him what drink he would be, then he told me the drink he would be and why, and signed off with a winky face. How the fuck am I supposed to respond to that? You’re not giving me anything, JCSR. RAD asked me a ton of questions and gave me a buttload of information about himself. AND youtube video links to thinks he thought I might like. He even changed the subject on his emails to “Hi Jessica” when he found out my name (originally the email was “Hi VampIra Glass” b/c I definitely have a pic from last Halloween on my profile! I know what boys like). JCSR gave me NOTHING to work with in his message. I want to be all sly like “Maybe you should make one for me sometime ;D” but I also don’t because that’s not really my personality…when I’m sober. I don’t have time for that bullshit and I’m not a winkyfacing, sexy drink making times requesting girl! Yes, I’ve thrown a few winky faces out there in my day, but they were to dudes with whom I’d established a “Hey I like you and you like me, let’s emoti-wink at each other!” relationship already!

There have been a few more “Hi” and “Cute Glasses!”- type emails, and well…a lengthy email from a man in his 50’s which was nice but not exactly what I’m looking for, sorry. I do have a thing for older men, but that really only applies to Gary Oldman. Or Jeff Goldblum…or Jeff Bridges. Have you seen him on the cover of GQ? My. Stars.

There was a guy who immediately asked me to meet him for coffee at 5pm on Sunday, the first day I put my profile up. I let him know that wasn’t possible and suggested another day. He wrote back to Wednesday to ask if I still wanted to meet for coffee. I do, but I get the feeling that we’ll meet, we won’t necessarily jive (I don’t think I’m his type? I don’t even know what his type is!, and we’ll never speak again or just be pals. Do I meet him for coffee knowing the potential trajectory of this whole thing-thang? Yep, because the whole point of this is to go on dates. I’m meeting him next Wednesday. Silver Lining: I’m going on a date with RAD on Thursday! I am crushing it!

So, all in all, not too bad for the first week(ish). I’m feeling a lot more hopeful than I did when I started this, and have only given myself one charley horse during the process thus far. I’m doing it! Kinda!

*Away from keyboard!

**No big deal!

Bang On

That pretty much describes how I’ve been feeling lately. My brain does annoying things when it comes to members of the opposite sex. There’s a pretty vicious “I’m single it’s great!/I’m smitten OMFG!/This will never work because (Seinfeldian reason goes here)” cycle that runs its course with any new crush, and the only way for me to stop the cycle prematurely (or slow it down, in most cases) is to ask a dude out. It’s pretty rare that I get asked out (see previous post, “Resting Bitch Face”), and occasionally I’ll just take a deep breath and just fucking do it. And it usually works. Go team Jessica!

That hasn’t exactly worked for me lately, though, in that I have been spending so much time not dating that I’ve become spoiled. I don’t have to worry about anyone else and no one needs to worry about me. I can pretty much do whatever I want and not have to agonize over how it might affect someone else’s world. Granted, if I moved or something, that would affect my roommates and my co-workers, but it wouldn’t change much about their lives. If I moved with a significant other, both of our lives would dramatically change. That’s what I’ saying. I’m not moving!

So, I lately get these crushes and then I talk myself out of them. I’m very persuasive. Sometimes the crushes don’t really have much behind them (except a vodka tonic…oy). Other times, they’re legit great guys who really deserve someone amazing who will love them forever. Since I don’t always believe that I can really be that person for anyone, I bang on. I love no one. No one loves me.

I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I spend a lot of time thinking that I’m going to disappoint whomever decides to love me because I have a really tough time loving dudes back. We’ve all been burnt, sure, but I’ve been burnt by the two people in your life who never should burn you. Love has always been something someone gives you because they want something from you. My examples for what love should look like have been incorrect, and I don’t want to be like that. I want to love someone completely. I just don’t know how to and that scares me. Obviously I know how to love my siblings and friends and animals and stuff, but I’m more than a little confused about how to make a relationship work with someone who doesn’t know where my love confusion is coming from. Frankly, I’m sick of trying to explain it, as well. So I’ve been trying to move past it. Guys, it’s really difficult. I know I can do it, though. I feel like a robot writing this, but I know I can learn to love correctly.

The truest love

Luckily, simply dating someone doesn’t necessarily mean you have to love them, so I can worry about that later, when lust and like turn to love! If that happens! Maybe it won’t! Another joke about cats! I really do want lots of cats, guys, regardless of the outcome here.

So far I’ve gotten a few emails and I’ve emailed a couple of dudes. It is my experience that when I email dudes, they never respond to me. It’s actually kind of annoying, because writing that first email is TOUGH. I give everyone’s first email the benefit of the doubt (even the ones which simply state “How’s it going?”), except if the first email is a really weird one, like “wuts up qt” or “My name’s Paul, when will you know about that whole kid thing?” (those are some OkCupid examples. I’m pretty sure I don’t want kids but I’m not 100% sure. Calm your shit, Paul).

I’m going to no share some first emails I have sent (NO FUCKING SHAME GUYS, I AM BEING SO REAL RIGHT NOW. THE INTERNET!):

This one I sent to a guy who marked that he was interested in me and has like, the BEST SMILE EVER omfg. So yeah I come off like a COMPLETE creepster and my own person wtf notes that I’m writing now will [appear like this in all of these]:

“Hi! I really like your profile and totally agree with every moment having its own soundtrack. Music is definitely a huge motivator for me. You seem like a super positive persona [sic…*facepalm*] and have a super smile! [Why didn’t I just tell him that I wanted to wear his skin. What am I doing?!] How long have you been a pilot? Flying makes me really uneasy but I feel like I’d like it a lot more if I were a pilot. [JESSICA WAT RU DOING? JESSICA…STAHP!] Anyhow…I’m really just not great at the email introduction thing [obvi], but feel free to write back and if you want to grab coffee or something that would be neat too (but of course, no pressure) [Why did I send this?!].

Have a great rest of your weekend!”

Oy vey…

This next one I wrote to a guy who works in the music industry. There’s a picture of him with MIA on his profile, NBD. PS: He made a joke about having insurance. This’ll make sense (kinda) [soon]:

“How’s it going? From your profile you appear to be a pretty cool guy [To be honest there wasn’t much to go on. He’s tall and again, pic of him and MIA. He’s awesome]. I’d love to compare insurance plans with you sometime, if you’re into that. [JOKES GUYS! I’m AWESOME at JoKeS!]

Seriously, I’m horrible at intro emails [DUH-DOY] and I hope you’ve had an aces weekend. If by chance I haven’t come off as a complete weirdsly [TOO LATE] and you’re into the idea of coffee or a drink, let me know?

Have a good night!”

What am I dooooooing?!

I think I got better with this third one, to a CPS teacher who is more likely than not, NEVER going to write me back. I’m listed as curvy, he’s looking for everything that’s the opposite of my booty:

“SUBJECT: Curious if I’m right.

You look like you have an incredible laugh. Also your dog is adorable! I hope you’ve had a nice weekend.”

FUCK YEAH KINDA NORMALISH! But stupid subject. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Maybe it’ll come off as coy.

Finally, this last email was sent to hands down the guy I most actually want to meet in person. He’s got a neat job that has to do with booze, is a nerd, and kinda looks like a mix between John Corbett and Seth Rogen (fun/way too revealing fact, were I a gay man I’d probably be super into Bears):

“How are you? We have similar interests and you seem neat! [derpy but I’ll allow it] What beverage do you think best represents you as a person? Do people ask you that a lot? [at what point did I turn into a 5 year old who asks way too many questions?] I think it would be fun to come up with drinks reminiscent of people. [IRL I also like to think of what dogs people would be, if they were dogs. I thought about adding this. I will save that tidbit for date #1…if that happens] But maybe it isn’t. But it probably is. Anyhow I hope you’re having a nice day and this is my attempt as a charming intro email! NAILED IT. [No, no I didn’t] Take care and maybe talk to you soon.

Online dating is weird and I’m already putting strange pressures on myself about the whole thing. I share these though because I think they’re funny and I hadn’t re-read them until now. I should probably be proofreading before sending, but then I might never send them. Thank you for joining me on this adventure…I don’t think I could do it alone.”

PS: I know a lot of these posts are going to be just oozing self-deprecation. Know that I do love me and I think I’m rad and stuff, but I do some cringe-worthy things and the only way I know how to talk about my feelings and emotions is by making fun of myself.

NEW CHALLENGE: I’m not a Playa I just crush a lot…

Well, if there’s one thing I’ve been putting off like crazy this year, it’s dating. I suck at dating. It should be mentioned that I also suck at regular non-dating conversations with other humans. I’m awkward as fuck. Sometimes it works for me and comes off as cute and charming. Most times it comes off as bitchy and uncomfortable. I have what is called “Resting Bitch Face,” which makes me 95% unapproachable to most people. I’ve been trying to work on it here and there, but sometimes I forget and it doesn’t occur to me until I finally notice the pain in my jaw from subconscious teeth-clenching.

I spent most of my formative hormonal years having crushes on every boy. It was pretty bad, especially since none of them liked me back. I have never been the pretty one that guys get all stupid around and smitten with, and I really can’t complain since I have never done anything to make myself desirable to the opposite sex. I can’t really be bothered and I’m generally not the best at being a girl in the “doing my hair/dressing appealing to other people on purpose/looking like I read and pay attention to ‘helpful’ articles in Cosmo” kind of way. But again…that’s just me: The short haired, cursing, tattooed, grown up version of Daria or Jane Lane. It’s kinda tough to find guys who are into that…or so I assume? When I actually do find a guy I like, I become aloof and (adorably!?) hostile: I purposely avoid them, say next-to-nothing to them, or exercise “Active Bitch Face,” which in my mind gives me a “damn, she’s so tough like Joan Jett!” exterior but usually just pushes dudes away. Success D:

There’s also my own personal baggage of not wanting to get completely eviscerated the way I did when my last serious relationship ended…twice. Then, I dated someone last year for about two months and was just the worst to him because I didn’t want to be vulnerable. To be fair, it wasn’t the best pairing to begin with, but I flat out refused to let him know much of anything about me…except that I was clearly a horrible bitch.

And I was, because I was going through the destruction and separation of my family and still dealing with old painful relationship nonsense that I let myself get stuck in. Depression and silence were my besties and I wasn’t about to let some dude who just wanted to care about me, into my heart. It was horrible, and I felt like a schmuck because more than anything, I want to be loved and snuggled and happy with another human being, but I give off a huge “GO AWAY” vibe. Because I’m so tough -n- shit.

Again I’ll state: I suck at dating. How I have ever found myself in a relationship, I still don’t understand. Alcohol-induced moxie, probably? Then once I snag ’em, I cook for ’em, and I’m a pretty great cook so…they stick around for a bit? (partially non-sarcastic note: I do have a buncha good qualities. Somewhere.)

Shortly after the two-month fling fizzled, I met up with my friend Erin for drinks and a show. She’s one of the most hilarious and awesome people I know. SHE can talk to anyone. For hours. No doubt. But she suggested starting an online profile and blogging about the dating adventures. It seemed like a fun idea at the time, and being that I was (and still kinda am) in the habit of filling every waking hour with something to do so that I didn’t drive myself crazy thinking about things I couldn’t change, like the family sitch and the acceptance that my “one true love” wasn’t, I set it on the back burner for a while. I knew I’d get to it some day.

That day happens to be October 13th, 2013. I have created a Match.com profile. I have forked over the $36.99 or whatever for a seven-day free trial + 1 Month membership. This will either go super great and I’ll meet some nice dudes with whom I may have pretty ok chemistry, or I’m going to end up on a lot of expensive, OKCupid-esque dates with more dudes who want to mock me for being a Feminist. That guy still makes me so mad. Ugh. Such a jerk. “I thought you put that on your profile as a joke, because you said you were a comedian. Why would anyone want to be a Feminist?”

Ohhhh you silver tongued devil. I bet you get all the ladies.

Regardless of what happens, get ready to know about it…I’ll give you the skinny on my first impressions, all the awkward email exchanges, how things go when we do actually go on a date, and what the next move is. I won’t use real names or be like, creepily specific. This will be fun. Or just funny. Or incredibly sad and will solidify my current “I’m going to die alone but I am actually ok with it, you guys…where are my kitties?” – outlook on companionship.

The pistol is aimed and we are all at the ready. On your mark….get set….date me*?

*You guys I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.

Challenge Failed: I’m Pretty Much The Worst

Hey guess who still has letters in her bag from August? THIS GUY. I’m sorry I failed this challenge, but I’m going to do it over again in a few months. I just couldn’t manage my time well enough to keep up with it, and I honestly have no one to blame but myself. I’m sorry I let you and me down.

If it is any consolation (it probably isn’t), I’m heading to my first stand up class!  Does this mean there’s a stand up challenge on the horizon? Uh sure. Yes. I think.

I quit improv a few weeks ago to focus on what originally drew me to comedy.  I am going to try to hack it as a stand up.

I didn’t have enough time for nervous poops before class…ugh…

EDIT: Yes I did 😀