First of all I just want to say you’re all amazing. I’ve gotten the most awesomely sweet, encouraging & supportive comments, emails & fb messages in the past few weeks about this challenge from people who are in similar situations, and even those who aren’t but are just awesome people in general. You guys rock and I can’t thank you enough for reading. I wish I could make you all dinner and then we could play board games and get into existential discussions about the meaning of life and if brownies taste the same to me as they do to you. THEY DON’T. Likely. Because our tastes are all differentish. I hate cilantro. It tastes like soap. Perhaps you learned about that in science class? We did.
All of this to say…I think you guys are super swell and here comes date #2!
Prior to heading out for date #2, I stopped by my friend Gail’s place. She helped me kill some time since my date was in the neighborhood in which I work but do not live, so I had about three hours to run out until Go-Time. We chatted about cats and crocheting, and had a fun time as usual. Before I left, though, we each individually shuffled a deck of tarot cards while thinking of a question, and picked one.
For me, arcana is one of those “fun to think about but also omfg this is eerily accurate…am I reading too much into it????” things. The question I asked? I don’t know if I’m allowed to say it out loud (or type it, in this instance), if it’s like when you make a wish when blowing out your birthday candles, but I’m going to anyhow. I asked if this whole Dating Challenge will lead to something grand.
The card I chose was the Hanged Man.
The main lesson of the Hanged Man is that we “control” by letting go – we “win” by surrendering. The figure on Card 12 has made the ultimate surrender – to die on the cross of his own travails – yet he shines with the glory of divine understanding. He has sacrificed himself, but he emerges the victor. The Hanged Man also tells us that we can “move forward” by standing still. By suspending time, we can have all the time in the world.
In readings, the Hanged Man reminds us that the best approach to a problem is not always the most obvious. When we most want to force our will on someone, that is when we should release. When we most want to have our own way, that is when we should sacrifice. When we most want to act, that is when we should wait. The irony is that by making these contradictory moves, we find what we are looking for.”
Freakishly accurate in describing me and my general methods, or am I reading too much into it? I don’t even know anymore (aka YES).
I left and headed off to meet RAD. He was early, which was nice! These punctual fellas are really just making my week. I love when people are early or on time, because I try to be early. We hugged awkwardly and headed off to dinner.
One of the things which struck me was that he reminded me a lot of a number of people I know, like an amalgam of a bunch of dude friends, and former boyfriends. He’s a nice enough guy. The conversation was pretty steady. He gave me a CD with some music and comedy stuff on it that he thought I might like (we’d been sending each other links to cool stuff via our messages). Dinner was delicious, and we stopped by a bar afterwards to grab one last beer. And then he walked me to the corner and my bus was there so we both ran across the street, hugged awkwardly again, and parted ways. There was a bit of a “kiss? meh?” hesitation, but the bus was right there! I had to go. He texted me to let me know he had a nice time and we should do it again hopefully. He’s sweet and a super nice guy, but I’m not so sure we should date.
I’m more than a little bummed, to be quite honest, because he didn’t do anything wrong at all. It’s weird how this week worked out, you know? I actually almost cancelled the date with Cinderella Story, and then he turned out to be amazing. Then RAD, the guy with whom I had some pretty aces messages for like a week, well there was no real spark. I feel really badly about that, too, even though I mean, you can’t force that connection. I don’t know what to do, at this point, because I don’t want to be like “No let’s never go out again.” I did have a nice time, and he was super sweet and impressed by how much taller I was than he thought I would be. But that “I want to grab your face and smooch it all over” quality just…well…it was kinda there. He’s cute as a button. I just don’t feel like this is a guy I could use the word “fuck” around very frequently which is a weird priority, I know. RAD is definitely a reliable, responsible, sweet and awesome guy. I’m just not sure we’re the right mix for each other and I feel terrible about it. It wasn’t a bad date…it just wasn’t…there.
I feel so horrible, but I know there’s someone else out there for him. He’s a great guy! I’d set him up with a bunch of my friends…if they were single…on the spot. But if it’s not there, it’s not there, you know? I just wish I could shake this sad feeling before I went to bed (NOTE: Again, typed right after date, posted during daylight hours).
UPDATE: It’s the next morning, and I’ve had some more time to ruminate on both dates. Sure, CS is awesome. And RAD didn’t work out the way I’d hoped. The more I think about it, though, the more I find myself wondering if I should really be doing this. Dating, I mean. It’s not that I don’t want to…it’s just that…ok I sort of don’t want to. I’ve spend the past like, year and a half just throwing myself into projects I love and care about rather than trying to find Mr. Right or whatever. I’ve had a handful of crushes that I never acted on, and now is this whole online dating thing just another barrier I’m throwing into the mix? I’m happy. I’m doing what I love, and today I woke up feeling really uncomfortable and wondering if these past two dates, while nice, were kind of for nothing because I’m just going to hike off into the snowy sunset like the anti-relationship yeti that I am. It was nice being swept off my feet momentarily on Wednesday, but I forgot how temporary that type of stuff phases me. Maybe I’m really selfish, but I just want to keep doing everything I’m already doing, and while sharing that with another person seems appealing, it’s kind of tough for me to figure out how to do that with someone who doesn’t really know me. “The Hanged Man also tells us that we can “move forward” by standing still. By suspending time, we can have all the time in the world.”
Everything I just typed, I know the feeling is probably (maybe? Possibly?) temporary, but it’s how I currently feel and I think it’s important to share all of this process with you. Only time will tell, and we’re only at the end of week two.
The need for a cat or dog is getting stronger.
...I Just Want Your Half. 