“I just wish I could start a relationship about twelve years in, when you really don’t have to try anymore, and you can just sit around together and goof on TV shows, and then go to bed without anybody trying any funny business.”
I am Liz Lemon. I don’t mean that in a figurative sense, being that I’m a brown haired girl with glasses who likes cheese*, is pursuing a career in comedy & doesn’t have the best luck in love. I am literally a younger, less successful Liz Lemon. A few weeks ago, I was changing my sheets and I found a half eaten tortilla (hello fellas!). Not half of a chip…half of a a whole grain wrap that I may have fallen asleep while eating. I throw myself into my theatrical and comedy work, which I love even though it drives me to the best kind of crazy….and I tend to throw work in front of my personal life because somewhere along the way I realized that there’s a sense of fulfillment I get out of a successful run of a show or production that is just more satisfactory to me than any romantic relationship I’ve ever had with another human being of the male persuasion. I also have conversations with food, not unlike LL…but everyone does that, right?
I find that a lot of my female friends are Liz’s too. We all work so hard for what we want because we want it so badly and we know it can be ours. When it comes to finding love we make a shitton of excuses, then run back to our respective Dennis Duffy’s because we blocked out just how awful he was, until our friends and colleagues remind us that we deserve better. And we do! But it is really difficult for us to accept that.
Why, though? I know what real love looks like (or what it’s supposed to anyhow). I’ve seen it in other people’s relationships and it definitely seems achievable, but damn if it isn’t a lot of work. I want so badly to fast-forward through the 3-6 months of “new relationship” and get right to the comfortable parts where farting around each other, or having deep conversations before bed about the Ewok Adventure and Ewoks: The Battle for Endor, become a common thing. I hate the intricate dance of “Women don’t poop” and shaving your legs and whatnot because sex might happen that persists until you both finally agree it is time to just be two people who are content, full of shit, and hairy.
I thought I had it, for a while, I think. I was so sure that I was there! It was great but something happened and we dropped the delicate crystal bubble of happiness that is shot-gunning shows on Netflix, and now I’m staring at a cat who has touched my boobs more in one weekend than anyone else has in a year. But since I haven’t really been trying, I’ve done this to myself.
My comedy/performer friends ask me what my next project is and my non-comedy/performer friends ask me when I sleep. I feel like I’m constantly moving forward and growing as a performer and writer which tells me I’m moving in the right direction. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and dating is just making me sad because even though I’ve met some nice guys, I have come to the conclusion that they’re not really for me. And I’m pretty selfish with my time right now. There are things about your life that you have to sacrifice when beginning a new relationship, even if they’re smaller things (like taking on new projects, or farting comfortably in a public space…guys I know I mentioned farting like 12 times at this point. Apparently it’s a deal breaker if you’re not cool with me farting like an old Great Dane. This post is full of self-realizations!). Scheduling time for dating and relationship things in the beginning of a relationship is my least favorite part, and definitely one of the main reasons why I struggle to even want to date in the first place. There is so much I want to do in my lifetime, and you never know how long you have so you have to do it all NOW…and then do a few more things while you’re doing that, too. Now throw more commitments into the mix and you’ve got yourself a Lemon!
But I also don’t want it all like Liz did. I don’t want children (yet?) because I have plans that don’t involve having children. I’d be cool with a cat, but a dog is even too time consuming based on my schedule (cats poop indoors, dogs need to go for walks and stuff). I just want to keep writing and performing and acting and producing play and show after play and show. I am being too selfish with my life to let someone in on that. Based on this information, it makes the most sense that I might try to date someone who already knows my schedule or is equally as busy, so they’re already aware that I’m a lil’ Liz. This still doesn’t make dating appealing to me, because I’m not even sure what I want in a guy anymore aside from the basics: Be funny, be kind, don’t make fun of the way I say ‘mountain,’ and really care about me.
It shouldn’t be an impediment that I am trying to move forward in my creative endeavors and relationship status at the same time. I would expect the same level of support of my work as I give to anyone I’m in a relationship with, though this hasn’t been the case in the past at all. When I do look back at everything I said and did for my last serious boyfriend, and the actual support (or lack thereof) I received in return, I’m angry that I never said anything. I was his biggest cheerleader but none of that even mattered to him. He fed into my self-doubt and insecurities. I never want that to happen again (hence the cold exterior and lack of interest in dating as of the past year or so) but I can’t continue down the path of becoming this:
I am so heartily conflicted about how much time I actually want to put into dating or trying anyhow, but I know I should keep putting myself out there, even if it is just occasionally. I want to have fun doing this. A very wise improviser told me something which will stay with me forever, and which I apply to more than just improv and comedy: “If you’re not having fun, you’re the asshole.” I’m being the biggest asshole right now. I’m being RA Liz (remember that episode where Liz was popular for like a hot minute and tried to get people to call her LIZard but then everyone reminded her that she can’t be cool because she’s RA Liz? There we go. 5th season!).
I don’t want to be alone forever, but I also need to cool my jets when it comes to taking on more projects and be a bit more concise with those choices. I know I can balance my schedule and make this happen. Maybe. Liz did.
*Liked, I guess, is more like it, since going veganish.
...I Just Want Your Half. 